There is no way to describe a time like that in your life. Looking back, I know I was forever afraid of the many bad things that could happen...a bad test result, a complication, a rogue virus that attacks an immuno-suppressed child, a bizarre reaction to the many, many medicines...and I lived on that edge. When you are living with someone who is fighting for their life, all of the superfluous details of life seem unnecessary and silly. I remember my mom asking me about Christmas gifts and just wishing I could focus on details like that. Instead, I had to pay attention to Patrick's body temperature, his intake of fluids, his food, his meds and his many appointments. Worry always at the core. Learning to let go and know that you can control none of it was my constant lesson. I tried to learn it. I am better. Intellectually I know the senselessness of worry and I try to talk myself off the cliff, but my heart does a good job fluttering away.
As May came around again in 2003, I would cringe as the day of Patrick's diagnosis would take its place on my mental calendar. I would go into a funk. The world was cloudy and gray. May 16th was destined to be a bad day. I tried to have a better attitude in 2004. Patrick was clearly surviving and doing well. He was still on chemo and still on monthly appointments and still very fragile but May 16th shouldn't bring me down. The anniversary came and went with gray and sadness lingering. May of 2005 should have been sunny and bright. Patrick was scheduled to have everything completed in August of 2005, just in time for kindergarten! But, he had a set back and the desert seemed hot, dry and inescapable. May 16th made its mark on my calendar and seemed to taunt me and jeer. It was official, May was the cruelest month.
Happily, Patrick completed all treatment in August of 2005! We celebrated! We counted our blessings! We held our breath.
In September of 2005, I found out I was pregnant! At 41, I didn't believe the pregnancy would last. I was convinced the odds were against us. But, I went in to my first appointment with John in October and watched the ultrasound. There was a little hand and it was waving. I kid you not. That little miracle was not to be denied. We found out the due date. I still get chills: May 16th, 2006.
In my heart, I wanted to believe that we could love May again, but I just wasn't sure. A lot of heartbreak had happened in May. Could it really be so full of life and love? Could it be possible that a huge blessing awaited us in May?
|Oh YES! Welcome Baby Caroline!|
We made it out of the desert. Thank you Dr. Jolly. Thank you universe. Thank you! Most especially, thank you sweet Caroline for gracing our lives.