"Sometimes grace manifests itself as synchronicity -- its energy brings together people or events in a soothing, helpful, or dramatic way when you most need it and least expect it. At other times grace is the energy that suddenly illuminates us with understanding, allowing us to see what we had not been able to grasp before. Grace can also lift us into an altered state of consciousness, suffused by an unfamiliar energy -- an indescribable combination of love, hope and fearlessness."
Wednesday, March 11, 2020
Friday, February 7, 2020
The Little Things
It's been a hard few days...real hard...and when that happens I sneak off to one of my favorite places in my town:
a redwood grove.
California redwoods are slow growing and have no business being in my part of California.
They are coastal.
I'm not.
They don't like heat.
My summers routinely have 100 degree days.
Every single one of these redwoods is an outrageous miracle.
They didn't get the memo that this isn't their habitat.
That's because they were tenderly planted by people who should have known better.
People who didn't listen to the odds-makers.
Why not have a redwood grove in Davis?
So, in the late 1930's a band of renegade redwood lovers, planted and watered and BELIEVED IN the redwoods...
BELIEVED IN the beauty of this dream.
They kept at it until the impossible happened.
Voila!
90 years later we have a redwood grove in the middle of the central valley!
Every time things feel heavy...or discouraging...or impossible...
I make my way to the redwood grove and find comfort in this tiny grove of impossibility-made-real.
I soak up the beauty.
I imagine the people who took the time to plant and tend the baby redwoods so long ago.
I thank them.
So, as the past few days have been careening and I watch Republicans choose themselves over our country...and watch a rude, despicable person lead our country...and watch with fatigue at the vendettas and the grievances from a man who has literally everything...I come to the redwoods.
I decide to make it a Daily Double.
I'll see your Impossible-That-Is-Real and double it...
calling my son, who the world deems intellectually disabled, AT HIS COLLEGE.
Yes, just like those people in the central valley heat who planted redwoods,
some educators planted another incredible impossibility:
college options for those with an intellectual disability.
Who does that?
Who believes so much in dignity and equity and freedom that they build the impossible??
The same kind of people who plant redwoods in Davis.
The kind of people who don't listen to the nay-sayers.
The people who know that the long odds are worth it.
The people willing to do the work.
The people who tend so carefully to the people that the rest of the world overlooks.
I called Patrick, my 20 year old with Down Syndrome...and he didn't pick up.
College life is like that, you know.
He's busy.
So I continued my walk and looked up.
Redwoods have soft bark...it's thick and tough but springy to the touch...it's a bit of magic...
a reminder that just because you're big doesn't mean you can't be soft too...
and redwoods have incredibly durable, beautiful wood underneath that bark.
So softness is no indicator of strength.
As I am walking, my phone rings...with Facetime.
My 20 year old is smiling and joyful.
Turns out: college is pretty awesome.
He's doing his laundry.
Folding clothes and chatting.
Laughing and smiling.
He's got his friends close by...
they share stories with me of what's been going on...
filling in the details of the little bits I hear about Patrick's days.
It's so ordinary that it takes my breath away.
I'm staring at Patrick's redwood grove of Impossiblility-Made-Real.
When Patrick was born, all the outside world told me were the things Patrick was not going to be able to do.
College?
Are you kidding?
That didn't exist.
As I held tiny newborn Patrick, my obstetrician told me what a gift it was that Patrick would be living with me for the rest of his life.
Implied that he would be a very large lamp in our living room.
Going nowhere.
No one told me Patrick would have dreams of his own.
Or thoughts of his own.
Or opinions.
No one - that I knew - imagined a world where Patrick would be a vibrant adult.
But somebody did.
On the other side of the country, a group of parents and a group of educators created a program where an independent, supported adulthood could begin.
They planted it.
Tended it.
Ignored the non-believers.
Voila!
College for people with disabilities.
Why shouldn't people with disabilities do their laundry with friends?
Why shouldn't people with disabilities attend college?
Why shouldn't they imagine a life with a solid job, a group of friends, and supported living?
Of course they should.
So today, I'm sprinkling the world with two stories of POSSIBILITY.
With enough tending, redwoods can grow in unlikely places.
With enough tending, people with Down Syndrome can go away to college.
In a cosmic way, I think that the redwoods and Patrick at college are intertwined.
There's no doubt that living in a place where the impossible really does exist
helps to nurture other crazy, out-of-bounds dreams.
So, know that the impossible IS possible.
If you're lucky, you might even get a call.
You might witness the ordinary routine of laundry being done far away...
with smiles and chatter from friends.
You might learn the perfectly boring details of what your son had for dinner...
or what he's doing this week-end.
You might be graced with the little details of life.
That we all know aren't little at all.
You might be privileged to see a life that is an outrageous miracle.
Made possible by those that believed in the impossible.
Grateful doesn't cover it.
Friday, June 14, 2019
Radical Kinship - Somebody To Talk To
I was busy.
That's how these stories always start.
Thinking about MY things...MY obligations...MY emails that hadn't been returned...or MY laundry that wasn't done...or MY leak at MY home...
Busy.
I was looking down...sitting on a stoop in a public park...when he asked me if I was ok.
He checked in.
A stranger.
I looked up and the first thing I noticed was the bird...
I would find out later that it was a Goffins Cockatoo.
A cockatoo just like this was sitting on this guy's shoulder.
Truthfully, the next thing I noticed was the poop of the cockatoo on the guy's white t-shirt...I suddenly realized that this cockatoo and this guy were besties...I mean, I haven't worn anyone's poop around on my shirt...but I have worn spit up...plenty of times...and I thought of those times...remembered how short the Spit Up Era really is and answered his question.
I was ok...just sitting.
He asked me if I knew Ed Sheeran (yes) and if I'd seen him sing with Andrea Bocceli (yes) -
treat yourself here to that incredible musical gift: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiDiKwbGfIY
That seemed like an unusual opening line...but I went with it.
He asked me if I had seen another amazing singing performance...I hadn't...so he shared his phone with me and I watched it...a four minute video of two children making musical magic...watched it in the cool of the shade in a park...
and that four minute pause was the knob on the telescope that brings things into focus.
When I looked up...I could see.
Really see.
This man with the gentle eyes and scruffy days old white beard, was wearing a vest of loneliness.
It was palpable...and painful.
We talked some more about Maya, his amazing cockatoo. About her playfulness and cleverness and the way the Goffins Cockatoo almost went extinct...but bird lovers from the United Staes and Australia worked together to save the species.
About how he ended up sleeping in his car near the park...how he would find a place to stay.soon.
About his life of knowing that something was wrong with his body - they told him it was polio - but recently discovered through an MRI that it was trauma from forceps
and instead he was diagnosed as having cerebral palsy...
I looked down to see one strong leg and one leg that was so thin it looked painful to walk on.
We talked about our struggles...and the gift of seeing the resilience in the students who graduated from Paradise High School - a town that had been burned to the ground this November - and in particular, a student who painted on his graduation cap the mantra:
Trust Your Struggle
It was then that I learned his name: Tom.
We talked some more about Maya...
as she tickled me with her claws and crawled all over my shoulders.
We both agreed that this park, McKinley Park, was very special...that it brought rest and hope and joy with its big trees, walking path and rose garden.
And, then the spell was broken...real life came tugging back...kids to pick up...places to be.
I said good-bye to Tom...but he stayed with me as I got in my dirty car and imagined having to sleep there.
I found a few dollars and drove down the street to his car...and there he was...back inside.
Did it feel safe?
Claustrophobic?
Frightening?
Comforting?
Desperate?
I knocked on his window and tried to give him a few dollars.
He shooed away the money and paid me back with this truth:
"I wanted to tell you how grateful I am to have had somebody to talk to."
I told him I felt the same...our conversation was a gift.
Sometimes we just need someone to acknowledge that we are on the planet at the same time.
That we are companions on this journey.
As Ram Dass says so well:
We need to know we are not alone.
Tom and Maya gave me that extraordinary gift yesterday.
My gift to you is to share them...for you to see them too.
Be on the lookout for a man with kind eyes and a Goffins Cockatoo named Maya...if you're lucky, you might get to listen to a song...and have a bird dance across your shoulders.
Thank you, Tom...and Maya.
Thank you.
Wednesday, May 1, 2019
Making Time For Monet
“It's on the strength of observation and reflection that one finds a way.
So we must dig and delve unceasingly.”
- Claude Monet
It was a crazy busy day...it included a two hour drive through traffic...a forgotten wallet and all sorts of must-dos pushed over the side.
I didn't have time for this.
It was decadent...and dreamy...a morning with Monet and some friends??
My heart said YES...and I've gotten good at following those whispers so I made it happen.
Two of my childhood friends were going to meet me in San Francisco.
Waking up, I heard about a terrible accident on the Bay Bridge...so I called my friends and said that I would take a different way into the city in the hopes that I could get the tickets...and a chance at signing up for the docent led tour.
They had really only one way over to the city so they would be late...we'd cross our fingers and hope it worked out.
As I was driving, I realized that I left my wallet at home.
Busted.
So, as I'm driving I'm considering all the pockets in my car that might have some money stashed away...I'm wondering how I will pay for parking...and decide I can mooch off these people who have known me for more than a few decades.
They know my slumber party secrets for goodness sake.
They've seen my dad in his underwear...they would pay for parking.
I made it to the ticket counter and pleaded my case.
Would she let me buy tickets if I could tell her my credit card number?
Would she set aside tickets?
Finally, I figured out a way to get the tickets...got the spot for a tour and had time to look around.
I was sitting in a world class museum...by myself...with nothing but time.
It was a long deep breath of goodness.
I paused in reverence of those who think to make museums and create galleries and find the art that belongs.
It takes vision and money and talent to create a space like the DeYoung Museum...
and as I was soaking up all that hard work I was so very grateful.
Breathlessly, my friends arrive.
We join the tour with seconds to spare...and we are plunged into hues of purples and blues and yellows and greens and Monet's garden of agapanthus and lilies and waterlilies floating under a Japanese bridge.
We learn that Monet painted every day, starting at 4am...and that these later years were filled with sorrow and loss.
His wife of thirty years dies.
His son dies.
World War One is tearing his country apart...and killing a generation of Frenchmen.
All through the sorrow, he paints.
He paints the same scenes over and over...noticing that it is never the same...always changing...forever a mystery...
intangible in its impermanence...tantalizing in its mystery.
Yes, Monet had his garden...and it was his garden that he considered his masterpiece.
His paintings were attempts to capture the beauty and freeze it for the moment.
Standing amidst these waterlilies and weeping willows I realized that Monet didn't paint when everything was working in his life.
He painted when everything wasn't.
He painted through the sorrow...during the joy...as he was going blind.
He just painted.
His Herculean efforts to find a way to cherish the passing beauty...to acknowledge the sacred in the ordinary...to SEE what his days offered him...worked its way into my heart.
It finally dawned on me that the crappy times, the boring times, the shockingly horrible times are just exactly that...
times.
Like the waterlilies and the light...it is ever changing.
Waiting for the right minute isn't a thing.
There is no right minute.
There is only this minute.
Make time for it, because then it's gone.
Hanging out with some Monets today brought my heart some peace.
It suffused me with joy.
What a gift.
After we finished with the exhibit, we walked over to the Japanese Tea Garden.
It wasn't Monet's garden but it was just as beautiful.
Because we had eyes that were ready to see.
We lingered amid the bonsai trees.
In the middle of a giant city...we sat in a literal zen garden...and the calm enveloped us.
There's a lot of hard out there.
A lot of tragedy...sadness and cruelty.
But then are waterlilies.
And azaleas...
And friends.
Not to mention Monet.
It's awful and amazing.
At the same time.
So, today, I'm grateful for Monet...museum makers...and moments with friends.
I'm grateful for the ordinary nuisance of traffic...a forgotten wallet...a maze of annoyances that peppered this day...because without them, it wouldn't have been today.
My one and only April 30, 2019.
Never to be repeated.
Grateful for this moment right now.
Big. Deep. Zen Breaths.
Thursday, January 10, 2019
Hope
"There is a voice that doesn't use words. Listen." - Rumi
It's been a hard few days.
The skies are gloomy.
The weather is cold.
My interior life duplicates what the exterior world provides.
I talk to someone who spends her days working with families who have children with disabilities who have lost everything in a massive, all-consuming wildfire.
There is no housing for any of them...so they squish themselves into RVs and try to make it work.
The reservoir that provides all of the water for this same community has been contaminated with metals and chemicals and other toxic items all oozing into the water.
No housing.
No potable water.
No jobs.
It's catastrophic.
To top it off, our president enjoys punishing people for their tragedy.
Maybe it's because he has always had a home.
Always had access to drinking water.
Always known safety.
His bitterness seeps into our collective conscience as he tweets his condemnation for the unpreparedness for the fires.
There is no understanding loss.
Or cruelty.
As Jewel sings so well, "Only kindness matters."
These past few days, sadness seeping in...the pain of so many suffering...so much loss...
I gift myself with a visit to my local coffee store.
I delight in my order,
smile my shy smile and say,
"I'd like Enlightenment please."
"I'd like Enlightenment please."
They steam up some milk, coat the cup with honey, add some green tea and call it Enlightenment.
[It should be noted that I could also order Bliss...but Enlightenment wins out every time.]
On my way out the door, someone calls my name.
It's a person I know only a bit...but she brings sunshine with her...serious calmness...and although I don't know her that well,
I owe her.
She, of course, does not know my debt.
Has no idea.
19 years ago, when my baby was born with both Down Syndrome and a heart defect...and I was wondering how anyone mothers three children in any successful way, let alone a child with a disability in the mix, she graced my life.
She taught pilates out of her home.
I don't know how I found out about her class.
I have no idea who was watching my three kids
while I did pilates in her home...
but somehow the universe made it happen and my heart knew what I needed.
I only did it for a few months.
But, she ended every class with this wisdom:
leading us with big deep breaths...
three times...
Inhale gratitude, Exhale judgment.
That four word phrase and those big deep breaths stuck.
They became a part of me.
In and out...
Sucking up gratitude and exhaling away so much.
In that fragile time of my life, I took the tiniest step forward toward self-care with that pilates class.
I didn't know it then.
Didn't have the vocabulary or the life experience to be able to talk about that in any real way...
I just knew that those moments at pilates helped give me my breath back.
And, my teacher had no idea.
Years passed.
Breathing in gratitude.
Exhaling judgment.
Guiding student teachers or small children in hard moments with big breaths.
I wanted to say thanks.
Kept meaning to...
but it felt like the time had passed.
I let the thank you sit unsaid.
But today, on my way out of the coffee shop, there she was...she stopped me and introduced me to her daughter, Hope, a grad student working at the Perkins School for the Blind (Annie Sullivan and Helen Keller's school!!)...and we got to talking...and talking...and it was Hope who asked,
"How do you guys know each other?"
Her mom referenced it in three words:
Pilates on Parkside.
Pilates on Parkside.
And, like a red-checkered picnic blanket, the universe spread out the moment before me.
I knew I could finally thank her for the gifts of restoration and care and breathing and kindness she gave to me.
Through tears, I asked if she remembered the way she ended her class all those years ago.
She shook her head no.
I did.
Inhale gratitude.
Exhale judgment.
My time with Hope and her mom was rare and precious...we all could feel it...
and we all knew it couldn't end right then...
but real life was in our way.
Obligations.
Places to be.
We decided to meet later that afternoon.
Who does that?
People who listen to their heart.
In that precious afternoon chunk, Hope and I talked about people with disabilities, opportunities, inclusion, barriers, common sense, education, systemic problems and so much more.
It was kismet.
Magic.
A sunshine spiral.
I still can't believe it happened.
All we have is today...and the people who cross our path...in this moment,
right now.
For some blessed reason, today, my heart was listening...right when Hope and Dion called my name.
Tonight, I take a deep, fresh breath of gratitude...for kindness and kismet...wrapped up in Hope.
Sunday, November 18, 2018
Doing It On Your Own
It's been 86 days since my son went away to college.
It's been the longest he's ever been away from me and the farthest he's ever been from me physically.
He's across the country at George Mason University.
He's a California kid - see shorts that he's wearing in November - and he lives most of the time in Virginia now.
There aren't any four year college programs here in California.
Our search for colleges that are created especially for people with intellectual disabilities took us all over the country...but sadly, hardly anywhere in the west.
Every single step I wondered if it was right.
I tried to follow Patrick's lead...tried to gauge whether it was he who cared about college or me.
I wanted to be careful about pressuring him into something that wasn't right...plus I have an intense desire for each of my children to live their authentic life, not mine.
But with someone with a disability, there is usually more parent participation and looking for college was no different.
He applied.
He interviewed.
He got accepted.
And then the hard part began...we had to imagine what life without Patrick in our every day sphere would mean.
We had to be okay with him going.
We had to be more than okay...we had to be excited for him...and shove our fears and worries to the side.
86 days ago he moved into a dorm.
He lives with two other people with disabilities and a typical student who is a 4th year mechanical engineering major...from New Jersey.
His name is Stav.
This was Stav and Patrick on Move In Day...and the friendship has only grown.
What's happened for Patrick is a lot of growth...personally and emotionally.
But something else has happened...something that you wish for each of your children and almost never can picture for your adult child with a disability.
Patrick has found a COMMUNITY.
He has something that Dr. Erik Carter from Vanderbilt University identifies so well:
BELONGING.
It has developed slowly over these months...but today, 86 days later, it is easy to spot.
When we visited Patrick and were dropping him back off in his dorm, a friend saw him, opened the door to his own room and yelled to another friend,
"Patrick's back!"
"Patrick's back!"
Dr. Carter speaks about true Belonging as "an ache when someone is missing" and there it was...
people noticed he was gone...people wanted him back.
He had his peeps.
When we call him and Facetime him, he is often surrounded with people:
He is busy and learning alongside of friends.
TOGETHER they have strength and courage
...they can do the hard things...
they can work through the glitches and figure it out.
Just a couple of weeks ago, we called Patrick and there were four people holding up his foot.
He showed us their faces and we asked what was going on.
Patrick had a blister...a little blood...and his crew was working together to figure out how to help.
Honestly.
Truly.
Really.
This is what we all long for...what our hearts yearn for...
we crave connection.
Today, Patrick flies across the country on his own for Thanksgiving...
only we know the truth.
This HUGE milestone would not be possible if it wasn't for the experiences he has had over these
86 days.
He's not alone.
He has a friend of mine who is willing to take him to the airport, guide him through security and show him the way.
He has a community that believes in him
AND OFFERS SUPPORTS WHEN NECESSARY.
Isn't that what we all need?
Watching Patrick has made me more determined than ever to create a community where I live that offers that same beauty of welcome and belonging.
Support and kindness.
Patrick is living a life that is all his...with support from so many.
That's the kind of world we all want.
The kind we all need.
This Thanksgiving, we will count milestones and blessings and be clear...
none of us do this on our own.
We need each other.
Together, with all our foibles and fumbles, we are better.
Grateful doesn't cover it.
Monday, September 17, 2018
Grace at the Lake
I didn't want to go.
In fact, if I could have reverted to my small child self...I might have had a tantrum and just refused to move.
Another week-end.
Another soccer tournament.
I am over it.
I should know better.
I got into the car on a Friday night and began a three hour trek into the mountains.
My 12 year old grabbed the cell phone and made a comment about how I needed a better phone.
What?
She complained about the car we were in.
She didn't like my music.
I didn't like her vibe.
As I sat in traffic, I fumed.
I couldn't take one more millisecond of the ingratitude.
I lost it.
Like a surveyor, I reminded her of the topographical lines of her life...the deepest blessings coming first...
Did you notice that you're healthy?
That I'm healthy?
That we have a car to drive?
That we have gas in the car?
We have the amazing ability to spend a week-end playing soccer?
You have a mom who is willing to devote a week-end to soccer?
That we are together when so many moms and daughters don't get that chance?
As I assailed her with her blessings...
the boomerang effect took place.
Hey, Beth, are you listening to yourself?
Stop your complaining and start noticing.
As we meandered at dusk through the mountains, the reset button was pushed.
We stopped for dinner and we both took a deep breath...
we inhaled the scent of the pines...
it was going to be okay.
We had a soccer game at a high school where giant pines surround the field.
I tripped over a giant root and noticed extra large pine cones...
the sky was a shade of blue that made me consider paint colors:
Cobalt
Cerulean
Cornflower
True Blue
Azure
After some weeks of fires and smoke near me, the color of the sky was a long lost friend.
We had a break and some time until the next game.
Some moms had rented a cabin together so they invited the team to hang out there.
We walked into a welcome where the team cheered when Caroline came in.
She had been injured in the game - a serious bonk to the head - and her team, in that moment, let her know that she mattered.
I could see her body relax...comfortably finding a spot at the big table to paint a few paper flowers.
Parents were tracing flowers, cutting flowers, making paint and paintbrushes available to anyone -
it was an anthill of effort.
The flowers were for our coach, who had lost his mother during the week.
The hand-painted flowers would be a perpetual bouquet for Coach Mike...
a way for 12 year old girls to say:
We see you going through this hard thing...we are so sorry...we are sending love and friendship.
I was so humbled watching these mothers (and fathers) showing their daughters how to love someone through something hard.
I picked up a tracer and a pencil and swallowed hard.
These parents were strangers to me...
but they were mothering my daughter...
right in front of my eyes.
Their love was better than any ice pack.
She was given the gift of thinking of someone else...
the gift of doing good with paper and paint.
Together, we were reminded that it is so often the simplest acts of kindness that last.
After another soccer game, we had the grim consideration of dinner for 40.
How would that work?
What restaurant would serve us?
Instead, another group of moms opened up their cabin...and told us all to bring a little something.
Something turned into quite the banquet.
Moms know how to feed their people.
The girls devoured bowls of pasta, while the adults ate tasty tidbits and watched with wonder more flowers being painted...the designs getting more intricate and beautiful with each effort.
The cabin was at the edge of Lake Tahoe and so the team wandered down to the lake...the girls swam and the sun did its downward dance...gilding the sky...reminding us that this ordinary holiness...this beauty of light...tattoos our world every day for the briefest of moments.
Against the backdrop of waves and feet buried in sand and a chill in the air and a purplish dusk, a group of moms talked about family and the challenges that go with helping our girls grow up...we talked writing and teaching blanketing over the real messages of care and love.
One mom echoed what we all were feeling:
how grateful she was that her daughter was surrounded by these moms (and dads)
...she called it a clan...
a tribe...
an echo from the times when grandmothers and aunties and cousins and others watched over the little ones and made sure it was all as it should be.
In that last little breath of light before the dark, my heart was full.
She was exactly right.
This team has traversed the territory of strangers on the sidelines and moved to a higher plane:
a community that cares.
It was seemingly effortless...but it wasn't.
It took one mom to consider the coach and find a way for 12 year olds to deal with grief.
It took another mom to open her cabin.
It took moms and dads to buy food and take the time to make food and create
a space that welcomed everyone.
It took coaches who had loosened their control on the team for something organic to grow.
It took problem solvers to figure out seating and clean up and all sorts of other glitches.
It took effort.
There, at Lake Tahoe in the middle of a soccer tournament, grace was in abundance.
I didn't have a cabin to offer...
I brought very little food...
I didn't bring art supplies or any ideas.
I pretty much was on the sidelines just watching the miracle unfold.
I guess I'll be the recorder.
When's the next tournament?
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