My Love Letter To Davis, California

It was 3:50 am, the streets empty and the school dark when I walked Patrick up.

He was carrying his black backpack - full of a lunch, sunscreen, baseball hat, change of clothes, headphones and freedom.

The guy was headed to Disneyland with his senior class.

Graduating in a few days, his senior classmates got the chance to spend two days down in southern California...time at Disneyland plus time at the beach...throw in a dinner at Spaghetti Factory and it was perfection. 

Teacher Scott Bell was there at dawn...along with the school superwoman, Adela, and the director of internships, Susan, and the paraeducator who said YES when asked to support a student who needed it - my son, Patrick - and was willing to attend a field trip that lasted more than 48 hours.

SHOUT OUT to Antwanette!!

There were parents I knew from other parts of my life - also willing to chaperone the adventure.

I walked back to my car in the dark, got into my isolated seat and burst into tears.

How is this possible??

In this moment of independence for Patrick there are so many supporters...

so many willing to find a way...

so many who think nothing of it...

of course, they say.

It's going to be great.

My town, Davis, California, goes like that.

It's a gem of a spot with a creek, double decker buses, a big university and lots of bikes...but like any home...

it isn't the place, it's the people that make it comfy.

I flash back to preschool.

A little co-op preschool that had a tractor in the playground for kids to climb.

We had only been in Davis for a year before Patrick was born and my older daughter, Mary Kate was in the four year old program at Davis Community Church Nursery School - the famous DCCNS.

A co-op means parent participation and when Patrick was born, well, he needed open heart surgery right away at nine weeks old.

I couldn't work at the preschool and felt deep shame about that - so crazy how we hold ourselves to impossible ideals in the middle of a crisis - I couldn't shirk my responsibility!

I wondered if I would have to give up the preschool and find another.

As I was carrying Patrick in his carseat sending Mary Kate off to school, the director of the school, Teacher Betsy,  came up to me.

Inwardly I cringed...could she know that I couldn't work...couldn't hold up my end of the bargain?

She smiled and said words that changed my life:

"When you are considering preschools for Patrick, I hope you will consider us."

Almost 19 years later and still that act of full throttle welcome brings me to tears.

In my world, Patrick was living with almost no choices.

He would be stuck attending whatever school would take him.

He would be unable to participate in regular activities.

He would be limited.

He had Down Syndrome.

Her words took a sledge hammer to the limitations I envisioned.

Her words held an idea that I didn't think existed for Patrick:

CONSIDERATIONS.

I would be considering different options for preschool??

He would have choices??

It was a game changer.

It was also quintessentially Davis.

Davis offers plenty of choices...in all arenas.

Food - Fun - Schools - Life

Why couldn't Patrick have choices?

Patrick DID attend DCCNS as well as the special ed preschool that the school district offered.

He had a blended program and that's pretty much been his entire life.

Our local Catholic school said YES.

Our local Boy Scout troop.

Our local swim team.

Our rec department.

Our art center.

Our city.

Patrick loved singing and dancing and holding the microphone as a little guy.

In third grade we tried a theater class at the art center with the amazing Miss Mindy.

She accepted Patrick, guided the other students and offered opportunities to sing and dance and be part of some of his favorites, including High School Musical and Camp Rock.

Just as he was aging out of Miss Mindy's classes I worried that he was older and possibly more difficult to place...

in that moment came the incredible Dottie.

She wrote her own plays with twists on the classics AND she had an adult son with Down Syndrome.

She understood equity and opportunity and welcomed Patrick into theater during the awkward time of junior high.

As Patrick was moving into high school he was unable to be fully included in high school theater...his one time when he was shut out...and so Acme Theater, a local theater troupe for high schoolers, said YES.

He was included in Camp Shakespeare.

He got a job at our local city pool in the snack bar.

He was fully included in his high school - Da Vinci High School - and able to earn a California high school diploma.

At Da Vinci, Patrick had an internship with Acme Theater.

He made friends, went to dances - where the city provided support (!), created clubs...made his way.

In four days, he graduates from high school.

In this moment of one door closing, another door opens:

Patrick is headed to college.

Patrick has been blessed with a gift beyond measure...a community that believes in him.

He's been taken seriously and given opportunities.

He has been supported without reservation.

He's been enveloped in kindness.

My heart is so full of gratitude and light that I feel like Ironman...with a blinking bright target in the center of my sternum.

How do you thank a town?

How can I possibly express what this town with its big open heart, its sense of let's-figure-it-out, with every person who was willing allowed to transpire for Patrick as he grew up here.

Davis, thank you.

Aquamonsters - Pete and Koren

Miss Mindy

Dottie

Mr. Bell

Mrs. Kirby

Adela

Ms.U

Sarah and Antwanette and Tammy

The entire faculty at Da Vinci High

Mike at Holmes

Father Dan and Mary Kay Bolz

All of the faculty at St. James School, especially Bev.

Teacher Betsy

Teacher Mary

Teacher Ellen

Teacher Lonna

Teacher Patty

And the families at DCCNS and St. James

Acme Theater

Emily Henderson

Hollay Shayegi

Sarah Barnes

Steve Rubin

Ashley Shuell

Robin from First Steps/Early Intervention

Karen Edmiston and Center for Speech Pathology

THANK YOU! 

It is because of your open hearted compassion that Patrick is the person he is.

It's been an incredible ride.

He's off to great places!

All thanks to you.

The Last IEP or How A White Poppy Blooms

                                        

IEPs suck.
There's no other way around it.

I've thought about this a lot...having been through many, many, many.

It feels like we could make them easier on the mama's heart.
We could just stop talking about all of the many ways the student isn't measuring up and start considering the one-of-a-kind, unrepeatable gifts they bring to the class.

Why must we test and test and test...
using measurement tools that have not been created for people with intellectual disabilities at all?

I'm pretty sure I would fail a test in Chinese...it wasn't made for me.

Why do we force kids with Down Syndrome to take tests that weren't made for them and then act surprised when the scores reveal that the test wasn't made for them?

Why do we make educating children so hard?

Why do we sit as a panel of experts judging, critiquing, analyzing...
while the parent waits with dread at the guilty verdict:
We pronounce your child disabled.

Why do we see disability as brokenness?

Why can't we see the rare gift of the individual?



Before Patrick, I would have been bothered by that bold white poppy.
I would have disgustedly thought it should fit in.

Its difference would annoy me.

Today I see that poppy and cheer...or, in this case, stop and take a pic.

You, Go, White Poppy!

How did you become white?
Aren't you your bad self, standing there so bold and defiant.

Best of all, I marvel at the environment.
Somehow, some way, the circumstances were configured so that this white poppy could bloom...alongside the orange ones.

How can we help our classrooms be like that?

What does it take?

It sure doesn't take a panel of poppies sitting around a table pointing out the whiteness...
or should we say "severe lack of orange-ness"...the deficit in orange is noticeable.

Spoiler alert: it's never becoming orange.

And, yet, it is beautiful and capable of being a white poppy perfectly and
needs no panel of experts telling it what to do.

*****

I propose this for the next IEP you must attend:

Ask them to tell you about your white poppy.
Ask them to SEE the beauty in your white poppy.
Ask them to understand that the white poppy is never never turning orange and yet it must live among the orange bounty.

What can they do to ensure the vibrancy and flourishing of the white poppy
among so many orange ones?

Let's just start by valuing the white poppy.

Let's stop trying to make the white poppy anything else.

Let's just notice the beauty...and work to fertilize the soil and water it enough and offer sunlight.

*****

Today, we reached the end of a long long journey.
No more IEPs and panels and tests.

I can hardly believe it.

Patrick's journey through kindergarten to high school is almost complete.
Because Patrick is graduating with a high school diploma,
he will have no transition services
from 18 -21.

Somehow, miraculously, my white poppy has been able to grow/thrive/learn/live with all the
orange poppies.

Yes, there were people who thought that my white poppy didn't belong...
but there were way, way more gardeners who saw his unusual beauty
and created the climate for him to thrive.

I am so grateful to the teachers who said yes.
So grateful for the willing hearts.
So humbled by the gift of educators who found a way to welcome a white poppy
into an orange world.



Today, my 18 year old son with Down Syndrome signed his own damn IEP.

He shared his hopes and dreams - his strengths and his struggles.
He offered his vision for his future to a bunch of adults.
He acknowledged his heroes and dreamed out loud.

I sincerely doubt if I could have done anything close to that when I was 18.

It was a crystal clear moment of courage and clarity.

I was sidelined and in the cheering section...
as it should be.

*****

I can only echo the words that are at the top:
Believe in your child so much the world thinks you're crazy.
Then believe more.

The problem isn't that we dream too big...
I know that much.

Today, I am grateful for the grace of endings, the blessing of beginnings and the power of prayer.
Lord, hold him close.

Just Shine

I am sitting in the MIX...the George Mason University study space...after just dropping Patrick off to his George Mason LIFE program interview. 

On that summer day in July 1999 when Patrick was born,
George Mason LIFE was also in its infancy...almost no other post secondary programs existed in the United States for students like Patrick.

Nobody on the west coast knew of George Mason...or of this possibility...or of what could be.

We heard the word “Sorry” a lot.

“I’m so sorry” they would say as they looked at my sleepy brand new baby.

The incongruence of that never made sense.

Pro-Tip #1: if you see a tiny baby say only one thing: CONGRATULATIONS!

Yes, even if the baby has a heart defect and needs open heart surgery right away.

Yes, even if the baby has Down Syndrome.

Yes, even if the future is unknown.

Say CONGRATULATIONS...because what it has taken for this little sprite to land in our midst is worthy of congratulations.

It’s a miracle.

And the miracle is no less miraculous if the sprite lasts one day among us or lives for 75 years.

Miracles are miracles and they should be noted.

*****

Patrick left his icy cold water (one of his favorite things on the planet) in my bag...
 I text him...asking if he would like me to drop it off.

No response.

The guy is busy with a college interview.

What am I thinking?

I take a swig, just to be close to him.

*****

This moment is so bittersweet...six weeks after Patrick was born I went to my OB/GYN follow up appointment. I took my little baby in a bucket with me...my sweet tiny baby boy who would need open heart surgery in just three more weeks.

The OB/GYN did not know how to speak of Down Syndrome or heart defects or any other “abnormalities”...the privilege of working in a first world hospital made difficult conversations rare, I guess...or maybe there is no training for this...but what she told me in those aching awkward minutes has stayed with me.

She was trying, really she was.

I know this.

And still, it was a stabbing wound, no matter how unintentional.

She said, “Well, I know we all fear our kids growing up and going away and well, that won’t be something you have to fear with your baby. He will always be with you...and I think that’s great.”

Future doctors of the world, take note: this is not something you tell a sleep deprived, anxious, mom of a newborn facing open heart surgery and two other little ones at home.

THINK THIS TO YOURSELF.

You don’t have to try so hard...

Refer back to Pro-Tip #1...say Congratulations...and win the Oscar, mean it.

Even mumbling something about how cute the baby is would work.

As soon as my OB/GYN said this I wondered if that was true...and that’s the beauty of humanity.

We don’t have to believe the stuff they tell us.

We can notice the gates as they are being put up...we can plan to knock them down...or find the entrance.

I have wondered about that prediction for 18 years...but around year 6 I knew it was wrong.

Patrick has no interest in hanging out with me.

After three years of leukemia treatment as a toddler, it was time for Patrick to start kindergarten.

He hadn’t felt good for three of his six years.

Half his life.

I could have home-schooled him...or figured out a modified kinder program for him...but he was determined to go to school with his big brother and sister.

I still consider that one of my greatest acts of kindness as a mom.

I wanted to play with my guy.

I wanted the fun...the laughter...the joy of a healthy Patrick.

I wanted it for me...just me.

He wanted it for the world.

And so I had to follow his lead and find a way to make that happen.

He never looked back.

He never cried to come home...or told me he missed me.

But, trust me, I squeezed him tight every afternoon.

Kindergarten was the preamble to what is happening now...and I feel the same way.

He is following that big brother and sister again...and he knows he’s ready.

Me, not so much...but it can’t be about me, can it.

Getting ready this morning for his George Mason interview, lying in a hotel bed across from me,
he smiled his sleepy smile...one that only a mother knows.

I got up and walked over to his bed and I gave him a good morning hug and I looked at his sleepy eyes up close.

“Patrick, I haven’t told you how proud I am of you. You did such a great job at your Clemson interview and I am so proud of you.”

“Why?” He asks...and I weigh the two opposing ideas: he really doesn’t know or he just wants to hear great things about himself...the reason doesn’t matter and I smile...

“Because your job as a person is to shine your light...you are the only one with your light...and you shined it so bright Patrick that not only could I see it but the Clemson people could too.”

He smiled.

He knew I was right.

Some people ask what the whole point of living is and I think it is just to shine.

There is so much darkness.

So much woundedness.

Too much suffering.

The only way forward is to shine...shine so bright that they need sunglasses to stare.

So, friends, let us work to find more ways for our kids to shine...more ways for ourselves to shine...Patrick is going to find his way, really, it’s pretty obvious now...we all must find our way.

Moments before the Clemson Interview...anxiety free...ready to shine.

Step 1: Just Shine.

On this cloudy day in Fairfax, Virginia, I need my sunglasses.

Artisans of the Common Good

It's been a long hard year.

We've had leadership that is undignified, unprofessional, unkind at the highest level.

That places a pall over our country, even our world...

...and yet, every single day, in my world, I see kindness and compassion,

curiosity and integrity.

I drop my children off at school and feel grateful for the teachers who work so hard, every single day, to be role models and to find a way to educate every student in their class.

They come to school with difficulties of their own and yet, they place them to the side and advocate for children...work with children...honor and cherish children...and the best of them set a child on a course of learning and growing that is life-changing.

I drop them off with gratitude in my heart...but I want to yell 

YOU ROCK!!

These teachers and principals, lunch people and custodians are

the very threads that make our country beautiful...

they are, as Pope Francis so gracefully said,

"artisans of the common good"

Yesterday, I went to an oak grove and I found a worker raking the path.

I listened as the rake clawed at the ground over and over, cleaning the way for people like me who enjoy wandering among tall oaks in the mist.

I smiled but I wanted to shout THANK YOU!

He is an artisan of the common good.

I mailed off a package that was important to me...

it holds a dream, an opportunity, a wish.

I handed it to Laura, one of the local people in my town who mails things off...

I wanted to hug her and thank her...instead I just gave her my few dollars - safe in the knowledge that my package would make it across the country because of her expertise.

Another artisan.

I walked my dog and noticed the street sweeper had swept the gutters of my street.

Another artisan...invisible but holding us together.

We have firefighters, policemen, 

nurses and doctors,

ambulance drivers,

city workers,

the highway patrol,

the people who build our bridges and smooth our roads,

the tree trimmers,

the park maintenance workers...who bring WD40 and find a way to help the swings lose the grinding metal on metal sound...honestly, these park guys do that (!)

we have people who plant flowers

and paint stripes on the roads,

the people who keep our electricity running

our water clean and flowing...

our garbage picked up,

our sewer system functioning,

our street lights on

our signs clearly marking the way,

our railroads in operation,

our city buses with wheelchair access...

we have artists who create public art...

farmers who bring their food to the local farmers market...

we have musicians playing on the sidewalk...and even bicycle taxis.

Our local co-op grocery store sponsors a candlelight walk at Christmas time...

Together, our community is a magical place...

the keyword: TOGETHER.

WE are who we have been waiting for.

WE are the artisans of the common good.

Every time you stop completely at the stop sign and wait your turn in traffic and truly only take 20 minutes or less in that 20 minute parking spot, YOU are contributing to the common good.

When you sweep your sidewalk, pick up the litter, share whatever extra you have with the people who have nothing, YOU are an artisan.

Today, I'm so very grateful for the people who go about their day just doing their good work...faithfully, professionally, honestly.

I'm so struck at the grace of that.

The interdependence we all have with each other.

Thank you, each one of you, for making our world a better place.

Love

Kindness

Compassion

Deep breaths

Friendship

Together, friends, we are the artisans of the common good.

We'll get our leadership to reflect our common good...soon, very soon.

Until then, craft your corner of the world with beauty and compassion.

Together, with other artisans.

Whispering to Remember - Christmas 2017

Hope - Peace - Joy - Love - The Four Candles of Advent

It's Christmas 2017.
One entire year of the Trump Administration.

Usually reflecting on the year, no matter how hard, is a joy...
we have each other...
we will get through.

During the four weeks of Advent, one of my favorite traditions is the Advent Wreath.
We have four candles, three purple and one pink, set in a circle.
We get to light one each week...so that by the time Christmas comes around,
there is serious light in the darkness...
four bright candles...shining triumphantly.
Holding open the spot...creating space for a baby...and a miracle...and family.

I was pregnant at Christmas time twenty five years ago.
All these years later, I cherish that extra special time of singing and preparing for two babies during that Advent in 1992,
not just one.

But this year is different.

I feel the weight of a year's worth of lies.
A year's worth of looking the other way.
A year's worth of pretending everything is ok.

I feel the crushing crashing of dreams of so many Americans withering on the vine...
this week it is grad students due to the tax bill that gives massive deductions to corporations over its citizens...
months ago, it was those with disabilities...
those with medical conditions...
...people of color...
...women...
...the LGBTQ community...
...or immigrants...
...or refugees...
...or children.

A year ago, I could feel an entire nation of children's eyes watching the adults in the room
make excuses...
it doesn't matter that she's never been in a public school classroom...
or that he derides the Environmental Protection Agency...
or that he flies private planes all over the United States at our expense...
lower your eyes...
pretend you don't see.

Are our children any better twelve months later?
Sadly, no.

They've seen open racism and half-hearted excuses.

They've witnessed their President UNwelcome entire nations of people.

The've had to accept a new normal and the sickening taunts of a president...
corruption and people so achingly out-in-the-open greedy that it insults those that work to teach integrity and honesty.
They've witnessed the open disregard for suffering people in Puerto Rico...
the pointed, barbed insults to people hidden in the shadows working for our safety...
the FBI, the CIA...
and our press...
daily derided...
with blatant untruths...
and intentional misinformation.

*****

This Christmas I want to whisper who we are.I want to remind each of us what it means to be American.

Like the Advent candles, first I offer HOPE.We are better than this.
Integrity.
Character.
Honesty.
Humility.
THESE THINGS STILL MATTER.
Millions resist openly.
Millions more resist in the smallest of ways.
Two-thirds of us...the majority of us say NO.

Light the candle of hope...and see how it breaks the darkness.
The second offering is LOVE.
Love is opening the circle wider...building a longer table...
love is recognizing fear and still pushing up your sleeves to do the work.
Love is the answer...the only response to racism and sexism.
Love is knowing that all humans are equal and working against injustice...
it's seeing yourself in the stranger.
It is living in the present moment.
What can I do right now?
and then taking the first step to begin.

Choose love and you change the trajectory.

Ours is not a small God...the endless, timeless beauty of the universe whispers the grandeur of Higher Love.
Seize it.
Breathe it in.
It is yours everyday for the taking...
grace in the ordinary.

Can you hear the murmurings??

The third offering is JOY.
With so much hatred, corruption and villainy...joy can be hard to find...but it is there.
There, in the ironic plot twist of a transgender women winning the seat away from someone who bragged that he was "Chief Homophobe" in Virginia.
In the way the sun still sets...the clouds still swirl across the sky...
the perfect simplicity of a cup of tea...or an act of kindness...a baby's laugh...a toddler's wonder...
rain on a rooftop...clothes fresh from a dryer...firefighters who work to save houses...and teachers who read out loud to students stories that bind us together.
Pick up a rock.
Try to watch the dance of a snowflake.
Gather friends together and cherish their company.
Walk your dog.
Hug your kid.
Dance.

Laugh.

The last offering is PEACE.This seems like a wish.
A fantasy.
Something out of reach.
But tonight I listened to a mother who had to bury her first grader after he was murdered at his elementary school in Newtown live her life with forgiveness at its core.
Five years after every mother's worst heartbreak, a woman named Scarlett showed me the way.
Forgiveness carries peace on its wings.
Scarlett mentioned:
Nurturing, Healing Love.
She wants every human to have that and recognizes that her child's killer was unable to
either receive or give love.

One year of Trump's despicable behavior...his devastating cruelty...his duplicitous companions that tolerate the tarnishing of all that is sacred about our country...
one entire year.

Advent offers light in the darkness.
My whisper blows it forward...
to you...
to another you...and another you...
as Pope Francis said in his TED Talk:
"Hope begins with you and then another you and another you
until it becomes US.
When there is an us, there is a Revolution of Tenderness."

I'm ready for the Revolution.

I know you are too...
let us begin.
Light the candle.
Notice the warmth.
Offer it to others.
Remember the way home.
Be honest.
Work hard.
Resist.

We are better than this.
Demand it.

Totality

For a few months I'd been hearing about the eclipse that was coming to North America...

it was a rare full solar eclipse within driving distance from my house.

It would be a schlep.

A definite road trip.

School would have started.

Life would be interrupted.

Plenty of reasons to not make the effort...

but it was like a tiny little magnet was tucked into my soul...and the pull was the shadow of the moon.

I knew it was a must.

I've gotten good at listening to this inner whisper of mine...and it doesn't disappoint.

It always leads me to some moment that was exactly what my heart needed.

Turns out today, my heart needed totality.

Totality.

Every last drop.

ALL of it.

Yes, that's exactly what my heart needed.

I found a nursery and wedding venue that was mostly a lovingly tended herb garden that was willing to open their place to people to camp there.

It was called Thyme Garden.

The universe had fun with words today, trust me.

In rural Oregon...in the coastal mountain range, is a little spot called Alsea.

Located in a valley is the Thyme Garden.

I had no recommendations from Trip Advisor...no good friend who pointed the way...just an email that was delightful and inviting and open hearted...

my kind of people.

The Thyme Garden...is a gift of time...and beauty...and color...and grace.

I made my deposit and five of us made our way up to watch the solar eclipse in their garden.

As we were driving, we left our comfort of continuous cell service...

instant information...24 hour shopping.

We left behind a bustling, busy life and plopped into a garden that was off the grid.

With people who string white fairy lights into trees and on tables...who decorate with flowers...and cook with herbs...people who love the land they live on and who want nothing more than to share it with others.

This open hearted warmth...seems like some sort of illusion, but it is the farthest thing from it.

In fact, for those twenty four hours, it felt exactly the way we are all supposed to live.

Authentic.

Caring.

Loving.

Real.

Rolfe, the visionary behind the Thyme Garden, enthusiastically shared the story of his place and the people behind it. He proudly offered up the home-cooked food that was at once the comfort of home and taste of the exotic...it was totality...

earth's bounty lovingly provided...

in just the right moment.

About 60 people showed up at the Thyme Garden.

Families, some with babies, other who were single, young couples and old couples...able bodied and others who needed support...it didn't matter...

it was totality.

Rolfe, after the litany of delicious treats paused and talked for a moment about the eclipse and the plans around it...and then he looked up and said,

"It's kind of amazing that we are all here for just 57 seconds of totality...

the moon perfectly covering the sun...

a shadow for such a short time...

but I think it's really great."

We all nodded...

it was already pretty great...

a simple shangri-la that reminded us all of the important things:

the gifts of family, friendship, beauty, harmony with nature, and always the food.

The morning dawned blue and still...

a moment in time that was sparkling with expectation.

We all ventured out from our tents with dew on our shoes and huddled together with coffee and the famous local cinnamon rolls.

After our coffee and cinnamon roll, we got ready for nature's show...we joked about our worries about missing it...how much of a deal could it really be...
were we crazy for driving all this way for 57 seconds?

Short answer: no.

Totality is exactly what it says.
100% of the sun is covered by the moon...
miraculously, the sun is 400 times bigger than our moon AND the sun just happens to be 400 times the distance from the moon...they perfectly align when the tilt of the moon is just so...and a million incredible configurations work like cogs in a clock to create the perception of the moon slowly, slowly moving across the surface of the sun to slide in place and cover it...totally.

In those final seconds before it is covered up, the earth is an unusual bluish hue, it's colder - enough to see the frost of your breath in August - and it looks like the sun is putting up a fight...it keeps shining a bright red thin thread until it finally lets go...
into totality.

When that happened...the campers around us cheered.
We joined in.
It was joyous in a mesmerizing way...and then for 57 seconds we could see the corona...
the atmosphere of the sun that is hidden from us earthly mortals every other moment.

For 57 seconds we sat in marvel...awe...wonder...stunned by the beauty and the cosmic perfection of this moment...I found myself crying...looking at my family in their bluish tint...wanting to crystallize the fleeting...and knowing I never could.

The closest thing to understand the ethereal beauty of the moon's shadow is trying to describe a rainbow...almost everyone has seen one...and we know that photos rarely capture the truth of something as magical as a rainbow but still we try...

there was no capturing the corona...
words certainly can't contain it...
my mind's eye holds it clearly and that's why I'm writing so carefully now...

somehow I want to remember the gift of knowing that for 57 seconds it all made sense...
what mattered was that perfect moment,
shared with people you love...
and the rest of the world who took the time to step into the shadow as well.

Totality makes sense in a deep, soulful way.
We are all connected in such a beautiful, sacred, holy way...and with totality, you catch that glimpse.

For tonight, I am grateful for that whisper that told me to go...
for the joyous, gracious hospitality of the Thyme Garden...
and for the celestial magic that is totality.

The Guy on the Street

Yesterday was a busy day...

for those of you who are moms, you know what the end of the school year is like.

If you're a teacher, too,  well then, these days of May and early June feel like the end of a 

Fourth of July show.

One after another, bigger and brighter, blasting higher and louder, the days pass by...building and building to the crazy feeling of "OK, that's enough now."

"When will it stop?"

And suddenly it does...life gets quiet.

Lunches aren't being made.

Homework isn't being discussed.

Obligations melt away.

Beautiful summer.

Today, was the last day of high school for Patrick and I volunteered to organize and put on the 

Senior Lunch.

I had done it last year and enjoyed seeing these smart, thoughtful teens/adults on the verge of life.

I loved the buzz of both nostalgia and excitement.

So, I ordered the deli sandwiches, filled up the cooler with ice, gather the cookies and grapes and chips and some minimal decorations and got ready.

It was raining in the morning...the scent was lovely...but the vibe was not picnicky.

Oh well.

The message from the school: the picnic must go on.

Rain or shine.

So, I do what I'm super good at...

Long ago, someone gave me this tip and it has really helped:

Act as if, then you will be.

For a new teacher, a new mommy, just whenever you have no clue...

act as if you do.

Soon enough, you will morph into that thing you were hoping to be.

Ready. Go.

Last Day of School Picnic is ON.

The deli sandwiches were piled high.

The grapes, washed and ready.

Chips galore.

Water bottles + grad balloons + random frisbee  = legit picnic.

The lunch goes easily and the grateful teens eat their fill and depart 

to practice for the graduation ceremony.

What was left was plenty of leftover picnic.

I stared at it and was struck by the gift of food.

The gift of community...

and belonging.

The land of plenty.

So obvious...and so much left over.

I consoled myself with the leftovers thinking I could bring it back to school and the teachers could use it the next day when everyone would be in the post-graduation slump.

Packed up the van and headed out.

I wanted to stop at Starbucks on my way to the high school to get some gift cards.

I walked down the street...rushing because of the left overs...needing to get going...when I hear a request coming near my feet.

I look down and there is a man in his 20's or 30's...

dirty, big bushy hair, slumped shoulders.

Looking up.

He asks, "Do you think you could buy me a lunch?"

[I'd like to stop right here and say that never has someone asked me that. They've asked if I had any extra money...or if I could help them out. But, never has someone asked for a lunch.]

Those syllables and sounds of one human to another instead of irritating me, work their way through my ear, pierce my heart and into a brain that stops my forward movement and shakes me awake.

This guy needs a lunch??

In that movie, Inside Out, I imagine my emotions discussing in real time my situation...it is a split second mash up of Disgust, trying to shout down Joy...Sadness wrestling with Anger...and an 

Emergency Fire Alarm going off in there.

WOOOO OOOOO WOOOO OOOOO

I am frozen and I smile so big.

"You need a lunch? Really?"

I look him in the eyes and smile and keep smiling.

I tell him that he is not going to believe this but I just finished up providing a lunch to a bunch of graduating seniors and I have plenty of lunch just for him.

I ask him to walk just a few cars down the street and I open the door to my van and show him a platter of sandwiches just waiting for him...and then he shyly says,

"I have some friends."

"You do??"

"Would they want some lunch too?"

He nods...

and I hand him the whole platter.

I put a bunch of grapes in a bag...some chips and ice cold waters...

and he just can't believe it.

Neither can I.

Or maybe I can.

It feels so right.

So cosmically perfect that I take a deep breath as I watch him walk away.

Then I spy the cookies - hidden beneath some towels.

He needs some cookies doesn't he?

I quick close up my van and begin jogging toward the guy holding a platter shuffling down the street like a waiter who's been ambushed...big bushy hair, dirty jacket, untied shoes.

I catch up to him with my cookies and it's my turn to be shy.

"Would you want some cookies?"

His hands, already too full, magically maneuver different items to create a spot just for cookies.

It was then that I ask him his name.

He smiles, "Ben." 

He offers it like the gift it is.

He smiles again when I tell him my name and for a moment life makes sense.

The weird obstacle course of my days somehow feels in perfect alignment.

How stunning to have too much food.

How understandable to have too little.

How blessed to cross paths in just that moment.

Unloading the food and filling up my heart...

it wasn't really a fair swap.

But the grace goes both ways.

Today, I'm grateful to bushy-haired Ben...who went from stranger to secret friend 

in less than five minutes.

Grateful for too much food that found its way into the hands of people who have far too little.

Grateful for the hopeful whisper that started it all.

Grateful for the heart that could hear it.

Think I'll sign up to do that Senior Lunch next year.

Maybe I'll meet Ben again.

Until then, happy summer.

Cue the fireworks.